First the zen part of this; the act of writing out what happened to you is going to make you feel better. All corporate offices get feedback from their customers. The bad ones ignore it. The good ones read it. But the great ones act on it. So if you want a great company to act on something bad that happened to you, follow my simple rules for writing a complaint letter:

1. Don’t get crazy. Dropping the F-Bomb in your first sentence is not going to get you the attention you want. And painting yourself to be more of a saint than you actually were is not going to win you any brownie points. Write your account of what happened and then sit on it for a few hours. Go back and take out the undue emotion. You’re dealing with a company here, not your spouse who hangs on your every word.

2. “Just the facts, Ma’am.” Joe Friday said it best. Companies want to know what happened and how it made you feel about them. “I delicately set my suitcase on the weigh station when the ticket officer lunged at my throat and screamed, “IT’S TOO HEAVY!!” is not going to do you any favors. Because unless that letter is accompanied by a police report, we all know that’s not how it went down. Try “I was really disappointed in (insert company name here) when your XXX did YYY.

3. Offer them an opportunity to make it right. I always like to use, “I’d like to think this is an opportunity for you to show your customers what you think of us.” It’s like telling your Mom, “I just want you to love me.”  Cue harps, angels and hopefully a discount.

4. Remind them how this experience doesn’t jive with what they advertise. I give shout outs and props to the cats at Delta. They got a new head of customer service or something, because the folks listening to my in-flight complaints about broke down TV’s, arm rests and the like are actually listening. I nearly fell off my chair when I told them that their new multi-million dollar ad campaign was not in line with my experience. They said two words that made all the difference, “You’re right.” Do huh? I’m right? From a corporation? They followed up the e-mail with a nice pre-stamped paragraph that basically read, “we’re trying as hard as we can.” They then deposited a few thousand points in my account as an apology. Go Delta!

5. Promise, don’t threaten: Again, don’t get crazy! State facts and promises that will effect the companies bottom line. “My family of 4 goes out to eat at least three times each week. While we frequent your establishment I’m afraid we don’t feel comfortable as patrons in an establishment that will not make good on such an event as we had last time.” You just told some shift manager that he’s about to lose a boat load of money. If he’s not smart enough to resolve this, you really shouldn’t be going to this joint.

6. Finally, act on those promises: You have to do it. If no one tries to make good on your situation, it’s time to bolt. It’s the same reason you don’t stick with an abusive lover or eat hot dogs from the street corner. You just won’t be able to live with the feeling in your gut that says you shouldn’t be here anymore. But then drop a note to the company on occasion letting them know you’ve spent hundreds or thousands of dollars with their competition.

Follow these simple steps and let us know how it goes.  If a company reacts well or poorly, we’d love to hear.

Today Lady Gaga releases her latest album.  And it’s only 99 cents on Amazon.com.  As a die-hard i-Tuner you can bet I was apprehensive to try a new download service.  But the allure of Gaga for less than a buck was too tempting.  And I’m happy to report, it works.  There is one extra step the first time you download the album to your Amazon cloud.  But the rest is super simple.  Click on the Gaga below to get started.

Larry Fox shakes with his generous hand and feels adamantly that delivery drivers should get larger tips .  He started the blog 15Percent to call out bad tippers in his Greenpoint neighborhood.  According to his web site, “15 Percent is a blog documenting people, and companies who have never seemed to work in the service industry, or don’t think to tip at least 15% on deliveries, and instead opt for 2 dollars on everything.”  If you live in that area you might want to check out his site to see if your tip made the list, because bad tippers are called out by company and address for all to see.

So in trying to decide what to tip a delivery person, I asked myself what a waiter in the restaurant does to get their 20% from me.  I want them to know the menu and specials, and be able to answer questions about how the food is prepared.  They should be personable, attentive and keep an eye on whether we need something at the table. Oh, and they should know how to serve wine correctly.  I’m not really looking for much more.

But as patrons we also have a civic responsibility in this fiscal exchange.  If we leave the table looking like a post-apocolyptic scene from the Titanic dining room it’s our job to compensate the people who will have to clean it up.  And just a friendly reminder that the Cheerio explosion left by your precious little one below the high chair won’t be cleaning itself.  And finally, if we chat about the world’s problems for three hours over one order of cheese fries and a diet coke, have the sense to know that you are paying the person who brought you 15 free refills more than a dollar.

Personally for a delivery driver I usually shoot for 15-20%.  We order from the same places quite frequently, so good service from him is paid with a good tip from me.  If he’s done his job well–kept the cheese from sticking to the top of the box when I open it; and made sure the food is there and hot in a relatively short amount of time, there’s no reason he shouldn’t expect to be compensated for his time.  And if the conditions are crappy–bad weather or it’s 10 minutes before closing, I have no problem slipping him a little extra.  Because the next time you order food you will be so amazed at how quickly it magically appears at your front door.

Much loved by post-step class sorority girls and tweens alike, frozen yogurt has been a part of Americana for decades now.  But my-oh-my how far yogurt has come.  The latest trend to hit the west coast is the serve yourself yogurt shops.  They start you out with a bowl the size of a toddler’s head and invite you to fill ‘er  up.  We visited one of these shops last week and the next thing I knew I had a bowl of three yogurts with three toppings.  But as we sat down to enjoy dessert I noticed the sign below that touted the potential “benefits” of yogurt.

With the Huckleberry yogurt with sprinkles I found out I was swallowing a chance to lower cholesterol and strengthen my immune system.  Delish!  But as I moved to chocolate and coconut shavings I found out this yogurt was helping me with my osteoporosis and rheumatoid arthritis. My what?  I have what?  I’ll call the doctor on Monday.  But I finally hit my panicky tailspin while enjoying  vanilla with strawberry tapioca. I read that my yogurt would also act as an anti-carcinogenic and anti-tumor agent.  I have tumors?  What?  How could I have missed those at my annual physical?  Screw my doctor.  I’m selling my place and living out my last days on the beach.

Maybe next time we just let the digestive benefits of yogurt stay on the down low.  We will let frozen yogurt take a cue from breakfast, instead of cigarettes. You read the side of the Fiber One box while  enjoying your morning cereal.  Nowhere on the side of the box do you see expedited bowel movements or sudden urges to grab a magazine and head to the toilet, but you know what’s coming at the bottom of the bowl.  It’s an understood agreement between you, your breakfast and now your dessert–while enjoying you can look forward to a heaping helping of fungal combatants, we just don’t have to talk about it.

1.  Every person’s parents worked harder than you or I do.  Lee Iacocca’s mom worked the 11pm-7am shift in a factory for the majority of her life.  And as he said, “she still managed to keep food on the table and the house cleaned.”  You know she didn’t get to come home after a long day at work, pour a glass of Chardonnay and pop a Xanax.  And that right there kids, is hard work.

2.  They figured out how to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds.  Martina Navratilova at the age of 18 defected to the US.  She then stayed closeted until after 1981 because our country wouldn’t permit gay and lesbian immigrants through its borders.  Incidentally, the largest applause came from her speech when she said she looked forward to being an American with the same rights as everyone else.

3.  There used to be a lot less whining.  Ellis Island is an amazing place, but as Deborah Norville pointed out, the port was nothing more than a port.  Immigrants were happy to be greeted with wooden benches to sit on and crowded  lines to stand in for  the chance to enter America.  It wasn’t filled with food courts, TV monitors, customer service desks or hospitality rooms.   So the next time you’re texting from an airplane that your flight is delayed an hour and the beverage service isn’t being offered until you reach your cruising altitude, shush.

An event like this makes you think about your own heritage.  Where did I come from?  Who were my ancestors?  What factory, mill or farm did they  scrimp and save on before they had enough money to finance their children’s American dream?

And on a side note, can I just mention how surprised I am that I would ever have cause to put a baseball coach on my blog.  Stranger things are bound to happen.

Baby Duvet Covers

“One of Martha’s favorite gifts for a pre-birth baby shower is a European goose-down comforter and pillow.”

Can’t anyone see that baby is practically screaming, “Someone help me!!  That crazy bitch with the pearls tried to smother me and steal my bottle.”  Next time let’s shoot for a gift that doesn’t scream, put him in this basket, call him Moses and ship him down the river.

Infant’s First Calling Cards

“For parties held after the baby is born, she likes presenting the infant with engraved calling cards that the child can then slip into thank-you notes and such for years to come.”  You gave a new born engraved calling cards?  How about we get the baby to not slobber on herself for more than 10 minutes and go from there?  Were you really pushing calligraphy and stationery on Alexis as an infant?  Actually, it would explain a lot.

Festive Pilot’s Cap

” Get baby ready to fight the winter chill; a festive pilot’s cap embellished with felt hearts helps keep tiny ears toasty.  Cut two large hearts from felt.  Then use a needle and thread to stitch them to the cap at three points.  If you want the decoration to be permanent, affix hearts with fabric glue before sewing.”  We all know that’s a pair of brown underwear with a piece of felt hot-glued to the side of it, right?  I’d expect this half-baked art project from Rachel Ray, but really Martha?

Well,now the bitching is back and better than ever!  During my self-appointed sabbatical I realized that I forgot that bitching can be fun.  Yes, there are important issues to tackle, and those will not go away.  But I was challenging myself to keep the weight of the economy, gay rights and everything else firmly planted on these big and broad shoulders.  So now, the new mantra is to have more fun.

I know many of you are a little bristly over the whole ordeal.  But you’ll forgive me.  That’s what we do.  It’s why Whitney Houston gets to go on Oprah and play the victim after sniffing 32 pounds of blow into one of the most powerful voice of the 90′s.  We forgive and forget.  Britney can go koo-koo crazy, shave her head, marry Kevin Federline and go on the MTV Music Awards in a tw0-piece before she dropped the baby weight.  But now she is back in the Top 10 with an album we’ve all heard before.  It’s because we forgave her.  And we’ve all but forgotten that the Democrats managed to secure all of three branches of government but still couldn’t get anything done in two years.  But we’ll just let bygones be bygones.

Thank you to the hundreds of visitors who still made their way to the site each day, looking through old articles.  Props to my friends and family who encouraged the writing.  But most importantly, thank you John Boehner.  For it was your stupidity and continuous belly-aching that made me realize I really miss shooting big stupid fish in a little tiny barrel.

Check out the new site.  You’ll see we’ve completely overhauled the joint.  (It’s not like I haven’t been doing anything for five months.)  We’ve also added in new features where it’s easier to see comments, top posts and get to the Facebook and Twitter pages.  Enjoy!  And let the bitching begin again!

I’m all for having a glass of wine while I’m cooking, but you can buy 12″ boning knives here.  And I’m not sure that’s the perfect garnish to an empty bottle of Bacardi Gold.  At least they’re drinking the good stuff.  Sort of.

Oh, and Editor’s Note (I love being editor)…We’re still taking entries for our “Name This Guy” contest.  If you sign up for the e-mail list and name him, you may win a prize.

So, in the spirit of surprises, I’m going to send a prize to the first person who can name him (spelling counts) in the comments section below AND signs up for the e-mail list on the home page.  Yes, I know it’s a lot to do.  But I promise the prize is worth it.  I’ll announce the winner next week.  If you see someone name him in the comments, make sure to still post and sign up.  Because if someone ahead of you didn’t take the time to get e-mails, the next person who did wins.  AND, if no one guesses correctly I’ll just choose my favorite answer.  GOOD LUCK!

Let’s face it. The news for gay people has been pretty bleak lately. So I get that you might be a bit apprehensive to kicking open the closet door and telling your friends and family that you’re gay. You’ve seen the political candidates using their bully pulpit to bash gays and lesbians. Then they go on The Today Show and tell you that it’s part of their shining commitment to real family values. You’re not alone. With candidates like this it leaves all of us wondering where we fit into the future of this country.

And frankly there’s a big gaggle of us getting a little annoyed at having to spend all of our time on a constant PR campaign to convince people that we would make good husbands and wives. Proposition 8 gave the chance for our love for one man or one woman to be challenged in open forums. Millions of conservative dollars were spent telling you, me and the rest of the country that you loving who you want to love is wrong.

Meanwhile the government has told us that the relationships we have now should not receive the same legal recognition for taxation. Hell, The American Red Cross won’t even take our blood. And we wait in the wings while politicians squirm in their chairs trying to figure out what to do with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. There is such irony that the yahoos in Washington will take my precious tax dollars to fund a war they won’t let me fight in. But if I do it in silence they will let me shed blood abroad, but won’t let me donate that same blood at home. Hypocrisy is abound in our world.

So, that’s the world around you. And I haven’t even gotten to your world yet. The fear you have of disappointing your parents, the person you’re dating, friends, family and co-workers is undoubtedly keeping you up at night. You’ve dreamt of telling them the truth, and each time your mind wanders to a scenario where you’re living on the street. So, why on earth would you come out? Today or any other day?

You do it because It gets better. Much better. Right now you’re living in a world that someone else told you to live in. Not because they don’t want you to be happy, but because for hundreds of years religion and government have been set up to support marriage and procreation. And once you come out that growing weight on your shoulders begins to go away. The dark fear of the unknown gives way to an opportunity for friends, family and people you’d never expect to support you because you’re being honest with them about who you are. And honestly things are getting better by the day.

There are as many politicians out there that are supporting gay marriage and expanding family values as there are bigots and hate mongers. But inviting them onto the nightly news doesn’t get ratings or give Diane Sawyer anyone to spar with. But they are out there. And there are at least ten other countries around the world, including our neighbors to the north and south that perform and recognize gay marriage. And the inconsistencies in our government? Well, that’s one of the reasons we need you to come out. We need everyone to join the force for change in our country. No group of people who faced discrimination ever had rights or privileges handed to them. They were fought for. And we also need you to come out because you are one day going to be a shining example of a gay or lesbian who needs to know that you’re going to be there to support them. We have a tectonic shift to make in the beliefs and of people everywhere. And nothing helps to change a person’s mind than knowing a gay person.

And as you make the changes and become comfortable with who you are, you experience a sense of pride in yourself and the world around you. And ultimately that pride is the pay off for being honest about yourself and letting the world know who you are. Come on out, the water, while a little bumpy, is fine.